Why I think America is great; an outsider’s perspective

I’m an Australian, living in Australia, and my life is filled with little bits of America.

The words I type right now are into an American website. Google owns half my life. My days are spent with Apple, my nights with Microsoft.

When I turn the computer off and the TV on (I only have one power point), it’s Netflix that saves me from my thoughts, presenting a horizonless sea of quality content, almost entirely American.

I can walk down the street and buy a Tesla (although I’d probably drive), and I know my place in the world by virtue of American satellites.

And some of your humans are great on a global scale too. Elon Musk and Bill Gates, and many more (white males) utilised the American dream machine, made their billions, and now re-invest their prosperity to improve humanity as a whole (with varying levels of crazy).

But the good stuff alone is not the reason I think America is great.

It’s because America is such a ridiculous country, but has a magical sieve that lets through all the good stuff and keeps the terrible parts firmly grounded, so I can watch on from the safety of my home, as though the country itself was a made-for-TV movie.

Do you understand, dear Americans, that people shooting and killing other people isn’t normal? Isn’t just a fact of life?

Where I live, nobody shoots anybody else. I can walk down any street in Australia and not get shot.

In fact, most of the modern is world isn’t very murdery at all. But in America it’s a school sport.

And you seem to think that God hasn’t noticed, he just needs a tap on the shoulder to come and sort things out. I’m not sure exactly what he’s going to do, but y’all keep praying, he’s got to pick up the phone eventually.

And oh my god you Americans love to lock people up. Two and a bit million people. Do you know that this is not normal? I mean, millions. Locked up, life fucked up. Families fucked up. But to be fair, they do deserve it. (So hey, it turns out you can deserve rape.)

And these prisons are the one place where whites are a minority. It’s kinda like slavery, but slightly more acceptable (and you don’t need those big cotton farms for them to run around on). Oh, your chickens simply must be free-range, but you’ve got no problem keeping your niggers in cages. I mean, it’s only the bad ones, right?

And all this stems from the fact that you have the most advanced bribery system in the world. Companies can actually write bills and pay politicians to pass them into law. And that’s legal, normal even. Gun-enthusiast organisations can write laws that say you can’t even investigate the negative effects of guns. What the fuck?

And this system can’t be unravelled. Ever. You’re screwed for good.

Yet you seem so proud of your ‘freedom’ — almost as though every other country on earth is a dictatorship. I don’t even know what Freedom means, other than not being North Korean.

And, if I may generalise (which I haven’t been doing up until this point), you’re quite the self-centred lot. Only 7% of you have actually left the country, and a different 7% don’t know that there are other countries.

You even went as far as to name your country ‘us’. And in all caps! And prefaced it with ‘the’ — like there can be no other. We are, The US.

I hope I don’t sound mean; I do feel bad for Americans. Your country is so broken, yet you’re so proud of it. Like a child with a shitty crayon/watercolour/crumpled paper/macaroni construction, I want to hang you on my fridge, give your chin a gentle fist bump and tell you to hang in there.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for being such a great source of entertainment, intentional and otherwise. For all the good stuff you export right into my lounge room, and for keeping all the violence, racism and corruption contained. And televised.

I only exist while you're reading my posts.

I only exist while you're reading my posts.