Wednesday the 14th of January

I have nothing to write about. I finished the diaries of David Sedaris. Even if he wasn’t an entertaining writer, it still would have been a good read, simply because it spanned so many decades.

It’s interesting to get a little tiny slice through time like that, to read that somewhere out there someone was getting called faggot and having a bottle thrown at him from a passing car while I was being born. And later to read how that person felt when those planes went thwack into the world trade centre.

What a sweet man, as the darling Erica once said.

I went for a haircut today. The chap asked, in a slightly sassy voice, “who cut your hair last time?” He said something something something ‘cheap’, I think. Maybe ‘quick’. He was a mumbler, and Rhianna, or one of the 700 artists that sound exactly the same, was blaring on a shitty portable speaker next to the cash register.

I took great joy in telling him that he was the perpetrator of the apparent crimes atop my head. Take that you little fucker.

He asked me some questions about how exactly I would like the back to look. I said I don’t care and wondered — as I do every time I get asked this question by a coiffurist … wait, holy shit that’s actually a word? I was trying to be funny, but computer says it’s in the dictionary. Anyway, as I was being asked how I wanted the hair at the back of my head to look, I wondered if gay dudes have to be more worried about this. Or maybe just the front-men. Y’know, cos it’s getting looked at up close.

Then I got to wondering if gay dudes can have face-to-face sex. Is that a thing?

Then I wondered if it ever happens that two men each want to rape the other man, but not be penetrated themselves, and they’re doing it face to face. That would be quite a fiddly operation, it’s probably like trying to do one of those puzzles with the metal things that loop around each other.

Oh this is nice, first result just happens to look like a schlong-and-pubes.

That can’t be a mistake

Anyway, this was a good gay-checkup because I thought about this in some detail and didn’t get a hard on. Still hetero!

Speaking of jail, I think prison sentences should depend on how much you’re going to enjoy jail. Like, what if an ascetic steals your car and gets caught. They get trotted off to jail where they … what, sit around and do nothing all day? And then if they’re really bad while in jail, they’ll get sent to the SHU! Oh no, not solitary confinement!

But that’s just the extreme, I think even introverts and extroverts should get different sentences. Let’s say, for example, you’re a wealthy white man that rapes a girl. Standard sentence for that is 3 months.

If you’re an introvert that three months is a walk in the park. A bit of quiet time, rigid schedule, reading, thinking. It’s not going to be great, but I for one can think of worse things.

But spare a thought for the poor extroverted white male rapist. Three months is going to kill him! No parties, no country club, no swimming carnivals. He’s going to feel like he’s locked up in a cage!

I think at the time sentencing the judge should take that into account. Ask you if you like to cry in the dark or do cocaine off polar bears’ noses or whatever. Get some sort of ‘displeasure factor’ to use as a multiplier to decide the final sentence.

The end.

I only exist while you're reading my posts.

I only exist while you're reading my posts.