Thursday, September 28
OK I got a bit carried away yesterday and wrote about some things that were borderline interesting. But not today. Today truly nothing happened and I shall recount the details of that nothingness below.
As much as I can in the 25 minutes that lie between me and 7pm (dins dins).
My first outing for the day was to the coffee shop, I am currently going through a ‘getting to know you’ phase with my local barista. I order my coffee at one counter, the order is then transmitted electronically to the coffee making person, who I assume is then prompted to make the small talk with me.
In between the ordering and the onset of banter there is around 40 seconds and I use this time to read Twitter. Just to check that yes indeed the world is just as banal as it was yesterday.
Then the machine goes ding and this slovenly man in a blue t-shirt begins to speak and I speak back, faking being into it.
I care little for his existence but don’t want to upset him because he is 100% for sure the sort of person to stick his dick in the cup while filling it up with milk.
He has asked me what I do (I told him and said, “how about you?” because I wasn’t paying attention). I have both a short and a long term plan for this situation. The short term plan is that when I am waiting for my coffee, I will attempt to place myself such that someone else is closer to him and will be talked to instead. Or pretend to be fascinated by something outside the window. Hire an escort to go and be publicly lewd with me while we wait.
These are all brilliant ideas, but operation-avoidance is actually proving quite difficult — he appears to have a preference for talking to me. I think I’m the highlight of his day, the way his dead little eyes light up when I walk in.
I will continue to work on this short term plan, but the real dream is when the new coffee shop opens up just around the corner I can be done with him for good.
From day one at this new coffee shop I will pretend that I’m deaf. I have already started writing an app for my phone that just says “large cappuccino, one sugar” — exactly what a real deaf person would have.
But there’s a problem. The current, dick-cup barista has quite the vantage point over from behind his giant machine (why on earth are those machines so big? They spurt water out and maybe some steam, right?).
So, this mass of cholesterol that calls itself a human surveys the street corner that I will need to cross to get to the new coffee shop.
3 minutes left until 7pm…
My current coffee route is in green below, for your mental assistance in understanding my quandary. The red x is my home. The blue lines represent fatso’s sight lines.
And this is where the new coffee shop is opening (in pink).
Oh no! I can’t walk past the door of the old place each day so I’m going to have to go the long way around.
I’m quite aware that none of this is very interesting and most people have these dilemmas.
Speaking of which, I can’t decide which of these I would rather take home:
It’s …. quite the dillama.