I have very little to share today. Another coffee shop story. Different shop, different story. I was a seriously odd conversation.

It was a corner shop where the whole corner opened up, so the doorway was quite wide. The counter and the coffee machine and the stacks of cups were all in plain view. I was clearly dealing with a coffee shop here so I entered and requested that a cappuccino be prepared for me and that it be portable and large and that it contain one sugar.

“Is next door closed?”

I neither expected nor understand this question. And so, as you yourself may have, I said “what?”.

“Next door.”

Well, I wasn’t really suggesting that I didn’t hear the middle two words due to volume issues, it’s more that I didn’t understand the essence of the question. Rather than have my words mistaken again I just stared blankly.

“Are they closed next door?” she asked again.

“I …”

“Oh there he is, Otto!” she said, not to me.

“Yo”, said a man behind me, I’m gonna guess it was Otto. He looked like an Otto. The Simpsons didn’t name the bus driver Otto for no reason.

“Have you closed up?” asked the chick who was getting less and less attractive the more I looked at her.

Aha! I’m guessing Otto works ‘next door’. Which would be the first piece in this puzzle of mostly sky that I don’t want to be doing.

She turns to me now, “they close at 2”, then back to Otto, who answers, “yep, just shut up now.”

Me, looking slightly scared: “what’s going on?”

“Nothing, you’re in the right place, now.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes yes, it’s all good. Large cappuccino was it?”

I wanted to ask who Otto was. I wanted to know what was next door. I wanted to know what happened at 2pm. Was I the only person to get this wrong, walk into a coffee shop and ask for a coffee? I think I’ll go back at 1:50pm tomorrow just to blow their minds. She’ll be all like WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, SOMEBODY GET OTTO, STAT!

See, I told you I didn’t have much to share today.

There is a trivia night at work next week.

$5. I thought this was actually a pretty good deal; perhaps a little on the low side. Then I realised that they want me to give them five dollars. It will go towards ‘snacks’ allegedly. And we all know that the snacks are going to be too dry.

There are no prizes. Winners will be subject to greater-than-usual levels of office banter the following day. There are no winners. And the thing is, I’d murder those fuckers. I haven’t memorised the 3,600 questions from Trivial Pursuit Standard Edition for no reason. No, wait, I mean to say I have memorised 3,600 questions from Trivial Pursuit Standard Edition for no reason.

I think of the best insults when I’m on my own. I was walking across the bridge and there was a dude in front of me with one of those plug earrings, a pink one. He was carrying a Priceline bag, and I thought I hope you’ve got ass cream in that bag, because you’re an ass.

I may or may not have chuckled out loud, I had headphones on listening to swing music and couldn’t hear. I might take singing lessons and then record YouTube videos of me singing just for the insults. I want to be anonymous though, so I’ll make it all dark and disguise my voice.

I only exist while you're reading my posts.

I only exist while you're reading my posts.