Hello there.

My car was parked in a big carpark that is underground, I was down there getting something out of the inside of it. Each car space belongs to one of many apartments, which are stacked above the carpark in what I call an ‘apartment block’. The order of the car spaces in no way relates to the ordering of the apartment numbers, but each spot is labelled with the apartment number.

Those are the facts that you need to know for the following story — which will barely be worth the effort — to make sense.

I was in the carpark, near my car — as I have already told you — when I heard the goings on of a conversation. A father and daughter. They appeared to know their apartment number, but not the location of the car spot. Their current activity was wandering amongst the several hundred spots, reading out the numbers (I like to think the pattern of numbers isn’t truly random, yet the knowledge of the pattern can never be known by earthlings).

I was lucky to be witness to only the end of their search for the car spot.

“Da-aaaa-aaad, how much longer is this going to take?” Whined the little girl — 10-ish, I guess.

“Charlize shut up, it’s right here!” Barked the farther — old enough to not be like that.

Honestly, he really said it with vitriol. Charlize, shut up, it’s right here. As though she had no right to complain that they were still looking when she should have known that shortly after the end of her sentence, the answer to question would be known.

The girl didn’t seem upset enough for my liking, but I didn’t want to be seen watching, so cast my eyes floorward. If he speaks to his little girl like that, who knows what mean things he’d say to me!

I pondered these goings on for days afterwards. At first I thought he was maybe just grumpy, the seeming randomness of the car spot placement eating away at his sanity (as I suspect is the intent), and he took it out on the poor girl.

But I came to understand that he had a great hatred for his child — more than she knew. More than she would ever know.

You see, he was called away on a secret mission shortly after getting his wife knocked up with this little bundle of joy. She had no way to contact him. Not throughout the pregnancy. Nor at the time of birth. And as you may have guessed, he was absent for all attempts at appellation adjudication.

This made the mother mad. And she was already one of those women that are mad-by-default. You know the ones.

Oh there’s some more information you need to know. Like many couples, they agreed on their celebrity crush — one celebrity each that they are, in theory, allowed to sleep with. She had picked Ricky Martin, such was her confidence in her appearance. And he had — yes you guessed it — picked Charlize Theron.

His loyalty was so extreme that, when rubbing one out, he wouldn’t even imagine any woman other than his wife or Charlize Theron. He had watched that movie where she gets naked so many times that the DVD was wearing out. Even though that’s not how DVDs work.

So, the time came for his wife to name the child, And he was nowhere to be found. Matters weren’t helped by the fact that she was mad as hell (having just met Ricky Martin and learning the cold hard truth WRT to extent of her allure) so she bore him one female, and took from him another.

In the end, the joke’s on her because now he’s back and treats the little girl like a right cunt. I guess the joke’s on everyone.

My desk is a bit sticky.

Things I said today: “don’t be nervous, I do this every day”.

I was in the lift on the weekend and three chaps were also present. All clearly labelled as idiots.

It was 2pm, one of them yawned. His tiredness seemed genuine, but there was a theatrical nature to the yawn that I didn’t care for.

“I feel like a fiesta,” he said groggily.

I glanced in his direction and my suspicions were confirmed: it was not said in jest. I was suddenly drenched in the anticipation of his friends’ witty retorts. I would have settled for buffoonish jibes.

But what I got was a steaming pile of nothing-on-a-plate.

Maybe they were all tired, maybe they were all going to have a little fiesta together.

It just occurred to me that he might have had a lisp. But he didn’t say thiethta.

I saw two really fat people holding hands. I wonder which came first, the chicken or the egg? I had the thought that “the couple that sleep together, eat together” but that doesn’t really make sense.

Anyway, fatties — very funny.

I only exist while you're reading my posts.