Art is great and all, but sometimes those who are a whizz with the brush aren’t so handy with the pen.

So I present to you, fuck faces, some of history’s greatest works of art, but with better titles.

Paul Gauguin — Lobster Jesus

Gauguin (pronounced GWAH-GWAH-GWAH) said of this piece: I’ve always been fascinated by the question: what if Jesus was half shellfish? That would explain why he didn’t eat the stuff, y’know? If he had claws instead of hands, would things have turned out differently? Could he have just grabbed onto the nails in the cross with his pincers and then when no one was looking, let go and leg it? Maybe he’d chase the robber that’s getting away over the fence, y’know? Where could this story go next — anywhere?! In this piece I permiss the viewer to contemplate such a fate, complicated by the fact that he has regular human feet and probably didn’t expect them to get nailed too. Maybe they look like human feet but are hard-shelled so will just crumple? Who knows, y’know? No one’s ever crossed a crustacean with a mammal before, this is uncharted territory.

Mary Cassat — Wanda Sykes’ Sassy Sister Says Say Whaaaaat?

She be like fool, you better not just said what I think you just said. If my right elbow gotta leave this here lounge, its next stop gonna be up yo ass.

Jean Auguste Dominique Ingres — Say Hello to my Little Friend

This portrait of Napoleon and his favourite sex toy was originally titled Two in the Stink, One in the Pink. It was super controversial in its day (Anno 1806, apparently) because, at the time it was conventional for emperors to take their shoes off before putting their feet on floor pillows.

Little known art-history fact: this portrait was sat for just three weeks and one day before Napoleon invented Neapolitan ice cream. Some say that any time someone opened a new tub of the stuff he would make a dirty joke about the pink and the brown and stick his fingers in and everyone would be all like good one, Napoleon because they didn’t want to die.

He really was a little cunt.

Edward Hopper — social distancing

It was no secret that Edward Hopper didn’t like crowds, and it came as no surprise to his friends when they discovered, upon his death, that he had invented a thing called a ‘coronavirus’ and left instructions in his will for it to be released upon the world exactly 15,935 days after his death (his favourite number) in the city of Wuhan (his least favourite city).

Leonardo da Vince — Lady with an Otter

As much as Leo loved to paint animals, he was simply terrible at remembering the names of them. In this case, erroneously whacking the label ‘otter’ on what is clearly a buff ferret in this painting of his line manager, Karen.

Willem de Koonig — Here’s Another One

During de Kooning’s blue period (when he was a bit sad) he was tormented by the question: do people actually like my paintings, or do they only buy them because I’m so handsome? To seek the answers he sought, he produced a conga line of ever-more ludicrously bad paintings, goading the art critics to finally say “you know what, this is shit”.

But they never did. The piece of garbage above forms part of his Do you Even Have Eyes series, including such gems as I Did This One in Twenty Minutes and I Hate You All So Bad, and lastly Bag of Art Supplies; Paint it Yourself.

de Koonig committed suicide by eye-roll when Bag of Art Supplies sold for fourteen million Euros. A lot of money at the time.

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