Late November, 2017
It’s been a while and I’ve seen so many things…
You know those things that have two wheels and you stand on them and I don’t need to be describing this because I’ve already got the picture on my clipboard, just waiting for this sentence to finish so I can hit ctrl + v.
I saw a chap on one of those, cruising up my street. It’s quite a steep street and I was impressed that they appeared to be holding their own. I was busy thinking about how stupid society is and that really, everyone should be riding around on these, were it not for stigmas and people not wanting to be dorks.
Then I heard the distinct sound of someone dropping a grocery bag containing jars of pasta sauce while falling off a little two wheeled thing, followed by the even more distinctive sound of someone chasing a little two wheeled thing down the street. So, maybe that’s why everyone doesn’t use them all the time.
I lay in bed this morning wanting it to all be over. I let the alarm ring, enjoying how angry the sound made me. I had no intention of getting up. I could feel the weight of my head and it scared me a little — it was so heavy.
I wish I had no one to miss me.
I walk along the water’s edge and think about how the water just wants to be as low as it can be. It’s number one goal in life is to be at the bottom of where it can be. So much so that, without a wind, it will make a perfectly flat surface, every little drop equally wanting to be at the bottom. Then a rock comes along and can just sink below all the water.
I want to be at the bottom. I want to roll out of bed onto the carpet. To lie with my eyes open, eyelashes scratching the pile as I blink. I want to be lower, to be lowest.
I vacuumed yesterday — now that’s thinking ahead.
I saw an old couple walking. They were, maybe, Italian. They were holding hands, but doing it weird. Their fingers weren’t interlaced, he had his hand the whole way around the outside of her’s.
There is a big circuit track through the greenery near my house, about a 15 minute walk around the loop. I was going clockwise, like a person that holds hands normally. They were going the opposite way, like weirdos. The second time I passed them they were still holding hands wrong. I felt sorry for the woman, I bet he takes her whenever he feels like it.
So I asked him this, “Do you rape your wife? Did you even know that they still call it rape even if you’re married?”. Apparently this was a ‘strange’ thing to ask. I explained that their anti-clockwise walking and strange hold handing were all the signs I needed to intervene. He suggested I had lost my grip on reality; glass cracked in my mind and the alarm got louder so I turned it off and stopped crying. I rolled out of bed onto the clean carpet; the cat joined me. This made me happy so I got into the shower and became a human for the day.
I didn’t hurt myself and don’t plan to.
At the sandwich shop there is a person that I think is immensely intelligent, based on her eyes. I want to ask, just to see if it’s possible for me to have detected that.
At Perth airport, many years ago, the man who checked bags asked if I was very intelligent. I said “did the glasses give it away?” in a jocular tone because the question made me uncomfortable and I like the word jocular. He said “no, I watch faces for a living, it’s in your eyes, you’re very intelligent” — he wasn’t even asking at this point. I’ve thought about that lots since. I am objectively intelligent and feel smart in some ways but feel like I’d be somehow cheating to admit as much. It’s like, yeah I’m smart but I’m fucked, too. Please don’t think positive things about me.
Plus, obviously, anyone that admits they’re smart sounds like a cock, there’s no two ways about it.
I think the lady in the sandwich shop is extremely intelligent, but how do you even ask? I think I should have either asked one second after I noticed, or not at all.
I used to know a very smart fellow called Mark. He was maths smart, but also socially adept. I remember one time, everyone was drunk, including him, and people were talking rather raucously and he said casually to some person who I forget now “you were about to say?”. That is, in a group of rowdy people, he had picked up some facial cue in a person that was a bit shyer than everyone else, and given them the opportunity to speak. But it wasn’t as wanky as I’m making it sound. It just struck me that he was on this whole other level to where you and I exist, and was using his powers for good.
I bet you $50 he dies at his own hand.
There are other things I have seen that I dearly wanted to tell you, but I have forgotten them.