People are mad at Kevin Spacey. But they’re mad at the wrong thing.

The wrong reason to be mad: he came out as gay in a tweet and used drunkenness as an excuse for sexual assault.

The correct reason to be mad: he sexually assaulted a 14 year old boy.

I’m working on a theory that he is actually a publicity genius. I imagine the discussion between him and his publicist…

Kevin’s publicist: “Right, we’re fucked, Kevin. It’s all collapsing like a, um, like some sort of structure made out of card-like elements.”

Kevin: [rubbing chin] “what if … hear me out … what if we could shift the focus, so people aren’t talking directly about me lying down on top of a boy, or putting my hand down some chap’s pants, or any of the other allegations that totally probably didn’t happen but … just saying, there might be exactly 23 more of them to come.”

Publicist: “Kev, baby, first of all, get your hand out of my pants.”

Kevin: “Sorry, habit of force”

Publicist: “Both of them”

Kevin: [blushing] “whoopsie!”

Publicist: “Oh I can’t stay mad at you. You were saying?”

Kevin: “The internet loves getting outraged about outrageous stuff. We just need to top the image of me sexually mistreating a minor. Come up with something people will shift their focus onto.”

Publicist: “And how exactly do we do that? What’s more outrageous than that?”

Kevin: “I come out as gay.”

Publicist: “What on earth? That’s idiotic, everyone already knows you’re gay.”

Kevin: “Doesn’t matter. I’ll make it seem like it’s almost related to the sexual misconduct. You know, draw a faint, dotted line between paedophilia and homosexuality.”

Publicist: “But … how is this supposed to help?”

Kevin: “…and, I was drunk at the time and don’t remember.”

Publicist: “Oh! My God. I see it now — that’s fucking outrageous! People are going to lose their shit. They’re going to tear you to shreds.”

Kevin: “About the tweet. Exactly.”

Publicist: “I can see it now, it’s going to be a meme — blaming everything on drunkenness and being gay. People will mock your tweet rather than be genuinely outraged by your behaviour.”

Kevin: [nods wisely, slides hand down publicists pants]

I only exist while you're reading my posts.

I only exist while you're reading my posts.