Some things you should know about me:

  • I wear glasses
  • My back hurts
  • I sneeze when it’s bright
  • I love dogs. If I see a cute one my face lights up like a clucky chick in a day care centre.

This morning, my back was aching so I decided to go out for a walk. I ascertained that the sun was shining so took off my regular spectacles and hooked one arm of my sunglasses through the top of my t-shirt because that’s how cool I am.

I got in the lift to go downstairs. Which is an odd thing to say I suppose because I got in the lift specifically so that I didn’t have to go down the stairs.

As the lift doors opened like my mother’s labia the day I was born, I was faced… I probably need to give you some time to get over that sentence before I move on with the story.

OK, so I got into the lift and there was a dude with the cutest little puppy. I won’t speak to a public human or even make eye contact, but if someone has a dog I’m crouching down ruffling the little thing’s fur before you can say “don’t touch my dog.”

Anyway, my face lit up at the sight of this dog, I was just beginning to outstretch my arm, and had just started to bend my knees in order to reach dog patting level, before I realised that actually it was a vacuum cleaner.

I’ve just gone looking to see if I can find a photo of a man standing next to a small white barrel vacuum cleaner and also a photo of a man standing next to a small white dog. My plan was to blur them both to demonstrate exactly how similar these two situations can be, particularly when you’re in a very grey metally lift so the grey metally handle/hose parts of the vacuum cleaner don’t really stand out.

Technically this is a photo of a “man with vacuum cleaner”. Good one, Google.

Then I wasted an enormous amount of time looking at photos of people and vacuum cleaners.

Eventually I lost interest in vacuum cleaners and searched for “hand standing with dog on leash”. I obviously meant to type “man”, not “hand”, but I didn’t realise this and wondered why the search results looked a little ratty. I’m a tenacious little fucker though and got through several pages of photos before finding this gem.

I clicked on this one 50% because I thought, hey that looks like a Borzoi! and it pleases me that I can have that thought. And 50% because I thought “that leash really pushes up her boobs, but how?” Well, it’s not a Borzoi and it’s not the leash pushing up her boobs so it was an all-round waste of time.

I can’t not mention that her name is “Purl Beads Jo” which her parents probably don’t get, but I do. You go, Jo.

That is all.

I only exist while you're reading my posts.

I only exist while you're reading my posts.