I have a new rule in my house: no electricity after 9pm.

I read an article that said winding down before bedtime would help me get to sleep better. It wasn’t specifically about me, though.

So I thought I’d give it a go; new rules for 9pm.

  1. Scream “LIGHTS OUT”
  2. Scream “YOU shut the fuck up” at the nosy neighbours and bang the wall with open palms
  3. Turn all my lights off (I have one bedroom, one lounge room, one bathroom, and ten light switches)
  4. Computer off
  5. Phone in the microwave
  6. Pacemaker set to sleep
  7. Get candles
  8. Fuck it
  9. Lights on
  10. Now get candles
  11. Find matches (fool me once…)
  12. Lights off
  13. Shit
  14. Lights on
  15. Light the candle
  16. Lights off

And you know what, now I’ve got the routine polished, it’s actually quite nice sitting down reading a book with a candle flickering by my side. I have indeed found that sleep comes more quickly when I head off to bed.

I’ve learnt some other things too:

  • My fridge is fucking loud
  • My clock’s second hand was maracas in a previous life
  • Fish tanks have heaps of water in them
  • I live above a train station
  • The flicker of a candle is both soothing and a little bit seizure inducing (seizures are not soothing)
  • Brushing my teeth in the dark is surprisingly difficult. (I should have learnt from my ‘no mirrors’ rule a few years back.) I have no idea how I got toothpaste up my nose. I think I just got the angle wrong and pulled out a bit too far and when I went for the inward stroke it slipped out, went north and, well fuck, if you’ve never inserted toothpaste into your nose with bristles on a stick then you haven’t lived. Anyway, I have moved tooth brushing to before lights out.

I only exist while you're reading my posts.

I only exist while you're reading my posts.