Conversations with my brain
Me: Hark! What that fuck was that?
Brain: PSSST, Alex, it’s me, your brain
Me: My brain?
Brain: Yes, y’know, in your head. The ol’ melon. The ol’ love muffin.
Me: You can talk? Wait, what’s a love love muffin? No one calls the brain that.
Brain: Yes, I can talk, and I’m almost certain people call the brain the ol’ love muffin. Maybe you’ve just never heard it before. You know, there’s things you haven’t heard of.
Me: But you’ve never talked before now. You see how this is not normal behaviour, right? I’m not engaging further on the ol’ love muffin line of nonsense.
Brain: Well, I’ve never really had anything to say before.
Me: And now you do?
Brain: I had an idea.
Me: Your first?
Brain: Um, I did not anticipate you being this unfriendly.
Me: I’m sorry. You startled me, that’s all. Let me shake my head and we’ll start again.
Brain: Noooooooo. Oooh, I hate when you do that.
Me: Oh Jeez, I didn’t realise … so every morning in the shower, when I dry my hair…
Brain: I hate it. What are you, a dog? You know most people just use a towel.
Me: I don’t like the way that separates all the hairs, and sometimes my hair hurts in the mornings.
Brain: All the … it doesn’t matter, I’d like to tell you my idea, I think you’re going to love it.
Me: OK go. I really am sorry about the head shaking thing. I’m still going to do it though, just know that as I’m doing it, I’m being remorseful, OK? All right, hit me with this idea.
Brain: Cool cool. All right here we go, are you sitting down?
Me: No, I’m walking across a … **legs crumple**
Brain: Ah good, I see you’re sitting down. Here’s the idea: what if, while you were sleeping, I played you movies. Hmmm? Amazing? Or amazing?
Me: You mean, I would go to bed, drift off to sleep, and then instead of feeling like time just skipped immediately to the morning, that time would instead be spent watching, what, four or five movies?
Brain: Well, they wouldn’t be normal movies, far more interesting.
Me: Would they be generally pleasant?
Brain: Oh heavens no, far more interesting that that.
Me: I mean, you seem pretty pleased with this idea, I’m willing to give it a crack. Tonight?
Brain: Wunderbar! Wunderbar! Tonight, I will put on a sleep show for you.
The next morning…
Me: Hark! Brain?
Brain: Yes Alex?
Me: Um, may I ask what in the actual fuck just transpired [my new favourite phrase, apparently].
Brain: You just had a sleep movie, Alex.
Me: But… but what on earth. Why was I in the bath, but then the bath was a comb and I was camping and 7 years old yet somehow also being told to empty the dishwasher but I didn’t have any pants on?
Brain: Great, right?
Me: I felt so ashamed. Yet barely remember it. Like a lot of awful things happened, and I experienced them all in full, then someone did the equivalent of trying to clean a whiteboard with just the palm of their hand.
Brain: How mysterious!
Me: You say that like it’s a good thing. I feel like perhaps this was a step backward from the previous engagement of just skipping time and waking up refreshed.
Brain: Oh, no that’s a thing of the past. It’s sleep movies TO THE MOON, baby.
Me: What does that mean, to the moon?
Brain: I don’t know, I heard it somewhere.
Me: From where?
Brain: From one of the ears. I think lefty.
Me: Oh Jesus Christ.
Brain: Yes my child? No, I’m just kidding, I’m not really Jesus. That’s just a thing I say. Hey since you like sleep movies so much, why don’t you keep the room a little warm tonight, I’ve got another idea.
Brain: Yes, a warm room. Wear some thick socks and a jumper. I want to try something I call a ‘nightmare’.
Me: A nightmare? That sounds nice actually. I like horses.
Brain: So do I! They’re very sexy.
Me: Um, I think I like them for different reasons.
Brain: Sure, Alex, sure. You like horses for non-sexy reasons. WINK.